If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
