i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
