Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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