I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
