How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
