I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
