Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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