I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize