i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
