the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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