mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
