Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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