She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
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So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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