I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
home. puking in laundry basket.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
