I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
