remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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