We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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