I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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