between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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