I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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