Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
