I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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