Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
