I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
