before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
