my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
