you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
