I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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