I am puke
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
