did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
