I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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