I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
