Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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