The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
