I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
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Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
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Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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