i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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