Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
