Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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