i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
