I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
