Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
