put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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