Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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