I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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