God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
