i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
