this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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