just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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