I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
