Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
