dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
