you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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