Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
found the other keg... it's in the tree
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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