he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I did not marry a roomba.
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