He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
