apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
